Stupid Easy: Tips for Lifestyles Unbecoming of a Housewife

by Alicia on December 13, 2012

Here is a list of things that are stupid easy. You can do them. If you have the artistic talent of a gnat (which, I haven’t Wikistudied them so who even knows and maybe they do have amazeballs artistic abilities- YOU DON’T KNOW!) you can also do these things. If you have the amount of spare time that a working mother of three has (ie: not a whole helluva lot), you can also do these things. If you want to appear crafty and put together whilst you sit on your couch, watch Boardwalk Empire and eat copious amounts of your children’s Halloween candy (it’s for their own health, okay?!), you can also do these things.

1. Candy Cane Vodka. Get yourself a mason jar. Get yourself a bottle of vodka. Maybe two. Or three because the temptation will be there to sample the product & I don’t blame you & that’s very selfless of you so get that third bottle because vodka. Get yourself a box of candy canes. Or, if you’re like me, get down the box of 300 small candy canes you bought in 2005 which you are still using because you can’t GIVE those things away and no one even likes them in your house. Get those down. Pour the vodka into the mason jar. Put about 3 or 4 or 7 candy canes into the vodka. Close up the mason jar. WALK AWAY. Come back and shake the mason jar of goodness a couple times. FIN. Well, I guess you could be ultra-crafty and wrap some twine or yarn (both!) around that mason jar before you hand it to someone for the Best Christmas Gift Ever. Then you’re fin. (bonus points: buy a can of hot chocolate mix to go with it. you’re a genius.)

*I spelled genius wrong the first time through there. I’m so good at this.

2. Personalized Art Piece: Get yourself a computer. Get yourself a Microsoft Word program…or Photoshop. Type out the birthdates of each member of your family on separate lines. Put it in a cool font though, not some dumb predictable Helvetica or some shit. Select colours for each line in an ombre effect. Save the file. Call it something witty like “AliciaTaughtMeThis” or something fun. “CrazyBallerArt” is also a good one. Get yourself a printer…or a friend with a printer. Print out the file on 8.5 x 11 paper. Put it in a frame. Hang the frame on your wall. BOOM! No one else has that art piece, mang. You are original. Like whoa. (bonus points: Instagram that ish. you’re famous now.)

3. Wrap It In Yarn: Anything. Like, literally I mean wrap any damn thing in yarn. Of any and all and every colour. People will die. Find a cardboard letter at a dollar store, wrap it in yarn. I one time wrapped some chipped, old, copper coloured triangle candles in blue yarn. Just hot glued it in a few spots around the wrap and them suckers are still proudly on display. (bonus points: use a few different colours & you can be considered a ‘yarn-bomber’, which is high on the Hipster Prestige list.)

4. Hang those necklaces: Get yourself a cork board. Find some cheap fabric you like that’s about 2 inches wider and longer than the cork board. Get a staple gun. Check that it has staples (if I had a nickle for every time I got all ready to staple and the thing was empty…I’d have 15 cents). Cover the cork board with the fabric and staple it tight. Get some push pins (I recommend the clear ones. you picked out that purdy fabric, no sense in effing it up with a bright ass yellow push pin) and push them into the cork board about an inch or so away from each other width-wise, and at different heights (for the long vs short necklaces, duh). Hang all your stuff. Doesn’t that look so.damn.cute?! Yes. Yes it does. You’re a genius. Martha Stewart can suck a duck because you are about to put out your own magazine of goodness. I high five you and your dog. (bonus points: have a brooch? stick the ends of your pins in the cork board and voila! a terrific display! you are bringing the house down. don’t worry, that’s a good thing.)

 

You see…next time you’re all impressed that Suzy next door has her shit together and you’re flailing around like a crack-addicted hyena, remember that most of the things that look like they take a lot of work? Don’t actually take a lot of work. And Suzy probably hired it out anyway. You’re already better than her. Nice work, team.

 

Previous post:

Next post: